Funny how and where life takes you. I have had a rough life, yet I always refused to use it as an excuse. I always ' overcame ' and did my best to let it not get to me. Example - like anyone else, I've gotten fucked over. But unlike most, I refused to let that mess with me and continued being who I was, doing what I did.. out of love and never wanting to turn cold and missing out on helping someone who actually needed it. However time after time people hurt me and it never gets old, I still bleed like it's a fresh wound. It's take the passion out of everything for me and so I am just kind of floating in the atmosphere. I blew up left and right - a habit of mine that happens once I feel fucked over and hurt which is basically me getting really angry and overwhelmed at how even when you do the right thing over and over shit still is fucked )I can't help and feel disgruntled that so many people are so much worst than me and yet have had far fewer consequences. A series of well deserved tantrums have me feeling like the world hates me.
Love wise... after my terrible break up it's like my heart stopped working. Sure, it literally did start getting lazy and having weird palpitations but a figural broken heart cannot damage a literal one - I don't think anyhow. But in some way after 8 or 9 months I started feeling fine. After many flings I finally feel ok. I embarked in this sexless journey into knowing why things happen, why people leave and I've found so much out - not just about myself, my standards but about others and the rules of the game of love.
First, funny how it happens but growing up I was a serious monogamist. Always in a relationship so I was always sexually active. However after my break up I could not imagine myself with anyone. I attempted at being with someone an old fling, a couple of times. It was the most awkward, dissatisfying thing ever. I felt awful, I was not attracted to the person and things just did not feel right. After that I took upon closing my legs and just evaluating things around me. Suddenly the world became a bit more clear and sex which in the past was a huge deal became none at all. I wasn't what you'd call ' frigid ' ( well maybe a bit ) but sex just didn't make any sense or had any appeal. My ex truly was my first love ( after 7 years of dating two other men back to back ) and what I had with him was intense in a level that most relationships never achieve and I find it hard to believe that I will experience that again. ( Above is a post relating to the effects of love and its' long-term development ) but I am ok with it. It was quite beautiful...but it's not like I long for it back. I appreciate it for what it is and can kind of see I had an overinflated vision of who my ex was and whom he wanted people to think he was. He made sure socially we looked like we were great friends, then my life started spinning out of control and it became clear that our friendship was a shallow pool. His intentions only really went as far as making the surface look right, not the rest.
So many things I can accept and understand, but I cannot understand a man who would rather cut his arm off than deal with an splinter on his finger... We continue to work on our relationship..after all we're all children no matter how old, and I do give him credit for certain things. It seems that more than most women I get to see men at their raw and just most honest and I loved who he was in that state, he was someone I could have spent the rest of my life with. But something in his past or his genetic make up, who knows.. put an interesting twist to him that just completely clashed with my own 'twist.' But really I took a huge lesson from the situation. Because it took me so long to heal ( in my terms anyhow ) it was a loooong and arduous road to learning a quite a few things in specific, some of them being... keep the drama low, you make your own drama and if you don't repeat it then no one knows to repeat it too.
I fucking digress... but that was my 8-9 months... kissing 'boys' here and there, keeping my legs closed and learning how to be a lady and do the 'im mysterious' thang. I have got lots more to learn as I realized even though I thought I was somewhat the ideal gal ( good job, hard worker, kind and compassionate and smart to boot ) I was really just an eager little girl haha. I can definitely admit that. Eager to prove I was smart, eager to prove I was a good person. Just fucking eager. Thirsty isn't the world because really it was never a sexual thing. I just wanted to be and have people see what type of person I was since I was proud of me. However I just came off stupid and stupid. But that's something I work on.. and I am still happy that it has nothing to do with social status, sex appeal or any vapid reasons. Because I have those traits, I can point it out when people do too and it's rather gross to see how often people just die to be socially accepted or perceived a certain way. It's good to not be self deprecating and learn to love what you got. I am a hot fucking mess, but I love me and ME so fuck what people think. As long as I continue trying to be the best me, both in my fucked up head and in my job - then who gives a fuck. People got sand in their ass and really if you're happy with yourself then you can't be arsed with how others feel. You likely don't even think too highly of themselves too. So yeah, that too... I like me and I am a douche and say stupid shit, get pissed off at the wrong time - but FUCK IT I TRYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Work... well that's unfolding and after much much health-damaging stress I've just decided to let it go with the flow. Who knows - lesson learned here: Don't EVER involve your personal life with work. If you must, then have three layers; your professional self, your professional yet ' i still have problems here and there ,' then the ugliest - the real you. Trust me, no one wants to know the real you. The real us is us at our ugliest and stupidest. While thats us we must do everything in our power to better that. We must look into all of our ugly traits and the actions that make us feel stupid afterwards, realize why we do them and figure out WHY we do them. Believe me as much as most women talk about being all make up free and natural, they still dab a little concealer under their puffy eyes ( uhh... or just me ). We should be like that, try and fix our flaws... Changing who you are and fixing your flaws are two different things, when you get to know yourself you cannot change who you are. You can only BETTER WHO YOU ARE.
But that's that for now. I am going to write another post about love and continue to my scheduled picture postin and doing ill shit. I'd also like to write up about my newfound love for quantum physics, science, theology and feminism.
SOoooooNN, and I am not editing this. I can't believe I am posting this, but hey - I can't afford therapy.
No comments:
Post a Comment